A Dog’s New Year’s Resolutions – by Jasmine

These practical resolutions – ghost-written by a spoiled Sheltie several years ago – are worth revisiting this new year …

I’ve noticed that humans like to look back on the past year and look forward to the year ahead. People think dogs are all about the present. But humans don’t have a corner on goal-setting. Here, for example, are my goals for the new year:

Refine begging skills. Sad eyes. Droopy ears. Heavy tail. Remember the time Spunky ate my favorite chew toy. Method acting at its best. I really miss that toy.

Convince my owners that choking is overrated. Yes, I know the bones are small. Just hand over the turkey carcass and nobody gets hurt.

“Roll-over” is for Pillsbury, not pups. I want that apple-stuffed, cinnamon-frosted turnover and I want it NOW. No tricks, just treats.

Decipher door locks and cookie jar lids. If toddlers can navigate them, so can dogs. Opposable thumbs are overrated. And cookie jars? How hard can it be? The trick is getting up onto the countertop. I’m pretty sure it requires a chair. Drag. Jump. Nudge. Repeat. I can DO this!

Scare away – or humiliate – the new puppy. Okay, so the little red-headed Pomeranian is cute. Looks a lot like a fox. But he sure yelps a lot. He steals all the attention. He thinks he’s Alpha-Dog. I have an idea! I’ll order him Snuggie-for-Dogs. In PINK. His humans will love making him wear it. No one will ever take him seriously again. That’ll teach him who’s Alpha-Dog in this household.

Stop mail delivery. My owners do it when they go on a long vacation. Why stop there? That postman thinks he owns the place. Comes right up to the door when he has a package. I can scare him away, but only after he drops off the package. And before you know it, another day comes along and there he goes again. There must be a Federal form IHATEMAILGUYS-GOAWAY-NOW-10-4 that I can fill out, paw prints and all. I’m on it.

Reapply for obedience school. Puppy school is overrated. But there are a few things I could learn via continuing education classes for mature (relatively speaking) dogs. For example, how to negotiate a doggie obstacle course. How to scale backyard fences. How to ask “Where is the bathroom?” in Spanish. Donde esta el boca de riego [fire hydrant]?

Take agility classes. I’m fast. But not as fast as the neighbor dog. Or the squirrel who taunts me. Or the geese who flaunt my efforts to chase them, hindered more than a bit by a leash.

Lose weight. Hey, it’s on everyone else’s New Year’s list, why not mine? I could stand to drop a few pounds so I can run a few more of my famously fast figure-8’s. So more Kibbles and fewer Bits for me. And Doggie Biscuits be gone! (Unless they’re bacon-flavored … then, who’s counting?)

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